The bright lights welcome me and the applause heightens my anticipation. I bid goodbye to what my mother wants from me and what is expected of me. Saying hello to my home away from home I enter the stage. Everything flows effortlessly and for a moment time stood completely still. As if it too was listening to my melody. Finally opening my eyes I look at the people who don’t know my secrets. As quickly as it appeared my smile fades. Her eyes burning a hole in my face, brown eyes I know way too well are staring at me. She’s here, oh my God my mother was here the whole time watching while I was on stage! Scurrying off the stage quickly I ran behind the curtain. Is she mad? The thought runs through my mind and is heard over my rapid heartbeat. I really hope she’s not mad.
How did I even get to this point?
“Regina, wake up.” Sadia’s voice breaks through my dream.
Throwing the pillow at her I pull the blankets over my face. I am a lot of things unfortunately a morning person is not one of them. The sun isn’t helping my desire to sleep longer either. Stretching I got up and ran through my usual morning routine. Elmont’s a pretty quiet place in the morning so I had the silence I needed to prepare myself for the foolishness school would bring. I’m a 5’6, thick, caramel tone hazel-eyed girl, with long brown hair. Sadia, my little sister, brushes her teeth while I shower. She hums along as I sing and enjoy the feeling of singing where my mom can hear. In the shower there are no secrets and no hiding I sing loudly and enjoy every verse.
“Girls hurry up and eat this breakfast. Sadia you have ten minutes before your bus will be here and Regina you have twenty minutes before your first class.” Mom said putting eggs on our plates. She made it her mission to be as involved in our lives as possible. Since my dad left to pursue his dream she made it her duty to protect us “trying” to make sure we don’t do the same. I never knew stopping us from dreaming is protecting us.
“Mom I want to walk to school like Regina.” Sadia said fixing her braids.
“Sadia you’re only seven, your sister is sixteen, when you get to be her age you can walk to school.” She replied kissing Sadia’s cheek. “Keep doing well in school and I may consider lowering that age. Your sister got all “A” again.”
Ignoring her usual adoration of me, I forced the food down. She knows as much about me as she does about Sadia. This is what she wants us to be, her soon to be lawyer daughter and her honor student seven year old. Telling them both goodbyes I raced out of the door. Turning the corner I pulled in a huge breath of air. Tonight was the night and I couldn’t be more excited. However the feeling of guilty always forced its way through my excitement. I told Roxanne I would sing again at her dads lounge. Nothing can replace the way I feel up there on that stage. I feel like me.
“Nice shoes.” Roxanne says turning around in her seat. “We still on for tonight?”
“Yeah I can’t wait.”
“Dad’s so happy you can do it, the last time you sang it was impeccable. Regina I don’t get why you’re not in the music program.”
“If I wasn’t in the law program I wouldn’t have met such an amazing person as you.” Sarcasm dripped from my words. I am getting pretty good at this lying thing I don’t know if that should scare me.
“You’re so sweet. I’ll meet you at the front entrance after 9th period.”
Classes flew by quickly and I couldn’t be happier. I occasionally sent my mom a text to check in with her. More like I was making sure she was where I expected her to be. Sadia was at her friend’s house as far as my mom was concerned. In actuality she’s at ballet practice, I paid for the practices with money I’ve earned singing in lounges. We both are living a secret life and it’s all to keep my mom happy. We kept her oblivious that is how we kept her happy.
“Let’s go.” Roxanne’s sitting in the passenger’s seat of her dad’s car. Greeting him I got in and left behind the person mom saw leave the house. I spent the whole ride embracing the other half of my double life. It’s funny how you can stare in the mirror at different times all in the same day and see a completely different person each time.
“You’re on deck Regina.”
“Okay.” I answered.
The stage indicated me, calling me by name like a sweet temptation. I am more than ready to yield. Here is my chance to do something that I know is absolutely me. I push the thoughts of mom’s disapproval out of my mind, the ribbons I have pinned under my mattress from singing competition. Sadia has learned to do the same from me. I have to add that to my list of things to be guilty about. No time now to think about all of this. I hear the MC call my name and I feel the blood pump through my body. Here it comes that feeling that makes all the hiding worth it, all the sneaking around worth it. It is over way too soon and I have to open my eyes. That’s how I got here.
The next person up passes me and is completely oblivious to the panic attack that I am having. Maybe I am invisible; maybe my mom didn’t see me. Please God let her have been a figment of my imagination.
“Regina Sinclair” Damn it she is really here.
I don’t answer because I think my tongue has swollen to double its size. My mouth refuses to open and I can feel my chest nut skin turn hot.
“Yes ma’am”
“Explain yourself.”
“What do you want to know?” I ask
Her face changes and it is the look that inspired the whole double life. The same exact look she had when dad’s lips touched her forehead as he bid her goodbye. It was the look of hurt, I wanted nothing more than to erase the past year. All the lies, the deceit everything that led up to this pain she had on her face was it all worth it?
“Mom I am so sorry I didn’t mean to lie to you but this is something I want to do. It is something that makes me feel like I am someone and that people want to hear what I have to say. Well sing. Mom I didn’t mean to hurt you. Please don’t be mad at me.” My words flew out at lightning speed. Finish and my chest tighten from lack of oxygen. My body relaxes and there is now a look on her face that replaced the hurt. I don’t know this expression.
“Regina you have been lying for a year about where you have been. You have been singing behind my back. What else have you done, do you have tattoos you need to tell me about?” She exhales and I know that it’s not to give me a chance to speak. “I am hurt that you didn’t feel comfortable to tell me. I am your mother, have I not been a good one?”
I hate when she does this “Mom you don’t listen when I speak, you have a screwed up image of what I am meant to be. There is nothing close to perfect and I definitely am not the exception to that. This is what I want to do. This is what I need to do.”
The pain fills her face and she pulls me into a hug that speaks louder than her words. She feels bad and I am the reason. I squeeze her back to let her, showing her that I accept it.
“We are not done with this conversation though.” I knew the hugging it off nonsense was too easy. Lying to my mom and we hug it out? This is not lifetime. “Now go and get your things, let’s go get Sadia from her friend’s house. Oh Crap.
Nice work Brittany!
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